Forgiveness & Trust

Forgiveness is one of the hardest duties required of us, but it is made even harder by many misunderstandings. Even many Christians misunderstand what forgiveness actually is. 

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a promise to not hold a sin against a person for the sake of the blood of Christ.

There are three important elements to this definition. First, forgiveness is a promise. It is not a feeling. It is not trust. It is not a magic memory eraser. It is a promise, a commitment. Second, forgiveness is a promise not to hold a grudge, a commitment not to hold on to any resentment or bitterness about the offense. Resentment and bitterness would be defined as any kind of angst, any kind of desire for revenge. Third, this kind of promise is only possible because of the blood of Christ. This is what makes forgiveness possible even if the person asking for forgiveness doesn’t mean it or still doesn’t understand the depth of their sin. Christ paid for the sin. He suffered, bled, and died for both sides of reconciliation — to pay for the guilt of the sinner and to satisfy the desire of those sinned against for justice. This means that blood of Christ enables us to have forgiveness even in those cases where the offender hasn’t even repented. In those cases, you cannot complete the transaction of reconciliation, but you can have forgiveness ready for them, whether or not they ever ask for it. 

So Jesus teaches that His disciples must be willing to forgive those who sin against them seventy times seven, which is clearly meant to illustrate as many times as they may come asking for forgiveness in any given day (Mt. 18:20-21). The standard is the willingness of God to forgive us for the sake of Christ. How have you been forgiven? How many sins have you been forgiven? You can’t count that high. How many times a day is the blood of Christ covering your sins? You can’t count that high. So we are required to forgive as we have been forgiven: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). 

Not the Same Thing as Trust

At the same time, forgiveness is not the same thing as trust. Forgiveness is not the same thing as there being no consequences. Forgiveness does not entitle anyone to any privileges. Forgiveness restores fellowship in Christ. Fellowship means there are no grudges, no animosity — you can come to the Lord’s Table together. But fellowship is a blank slate with no demands, no requirements other than basic Christian charity under the law of God. In other words, if you steal from your employer, and you confess and seek forgiveness and he joyfully forgives you, there is nothing at all inconsistent with that forgiveness and for him to require you to pay back what you have stolen and to fire you. He is free to forgive some of your debt, and he is free to give you another chance, but he is not under any obligation to do so. 

Likewise, a woman who has committed adultery and confesses and seeks forgiveness should be forgiven by her husband, but that forgiveness does not demand that he continue in the marriage covenant. The Bible clearly teaches that he is free to divorce if the covenant has been broken in that way, and he is free to remain in the marriage. Forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences for sin. Likewise, forgiveness restores fellowship but it does not guarantee friendship. Sometimes trust is so strained or broken that close ties and friendship have been destroyed. A lack of forgiveness can make these broken bonds worse, but true forgiveness can still decide that it best not to be close friends anymore.

The Possibility of Rebuilding

At the same time, forgiveness is the ground upon which trust can be restored. Forgiveness restores the fellowship, and fellowship is the clean slate that makes trust possible. And this is one reason why it is a mistake to conflate forgiveness and trust. Sometimes someone thinks they cannot forgive because they do not trust. Sometimes this is because they do not feel the emotions of forgiveness. They still feel badly hurt, wounded, and broken-hearted. But it’s not a sin to feel hurt; it is only a sin to nurture those hurt feelings. If you touch a hot stove, it’s not a sin to feel the burning sensation. It’s only a sin if you refuse to put your fingers under cold water. The cold water in this case is the promise of forgiveness. But as anyone who has ever burned their fingers knows, even after a few minutes under cold water, your fingers can still hurt. So you have to keep them under the cold water or apply ice, etc. Likewise, you should forgive even when it hurts, and you should keep applying the forgiveness as long as it hurts. Forgiveness doesn’t magically restore trust, but forgiveness is what allows you to heal in order for there to be any possibility of restoration of trust. 

Sometimes married couples get into bad cycles of fighting and arguing, and many times this is because the sins from the day before (or the week/month/years before) never got confessed and forgiven. The Bible says that the only way you can have true Christian fellowship is by walking in the light as God is in the light (1 Jn. 1:7). But since we are sinners, and sin is darkness, the only way to stay in the light is to stay in fellowship, and that is only possible if the blood of Christ is constantly cleansing us. Confession of sin and forgiveness should be as natural and ordinary as taking showers and doing the dishes. Christians are not people who do not sin. Christians are people who know what do about sin. We know how to clean up our messes: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 Jn. 1:9). 

Jesus said that having unconfessed sin is like having a log in your eye (Mt. 7:3-5). It’s like having mud all over your windshield. You can’t really see what’s going on. Many married couples and many families do not confess their sins and forgive one another, and they are going around most days running into one another and when they try to sort it out, it turns into a bigger mess and nasty arguments and bitter fighting. The reason is because they have logs in their eyes, sometimes months or years of sin and guilt and resentment and bitterness. Whenever there is a collision it’s never just about the presenting issue, it’s about months or years of sin and hurt and pain. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Christ died on the Cross so that everyone who trusts in Him can get clean. If you confess your sins to God and to everyone you can think of that you have sinned against, the promise is actually mind-blowing: He promises to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we confess the sins we know about, God promises to forgive us and cleanse us of all of them – even the ones we’ve forgotten about or don’t even know about.

And when you’ve been completely forgiven, you can see clearly. But until you’re forgiven, you can’t see your husband accurately, your wife accurately, your kids or your parents or friends accurately. But when you’ve been forgiven, when the joy of your salvation is restored. You can see clearly, and sometimes trust can be rebuilt. And even in those situations where there doesn’t seem to be any human possibility of rebuilding trust, you can still be free of that weight and you can slowly heal, with real joy and peace in your heart.  

Photo by Michael Olsen on Unsplash