White Boy Summer Heretics & the Autistic Reformed Bros on Full Preterism

Introduction
When Michael Foster advertised a dance at his upcoming County Before Country conference for “autistic reformed bros” a week or so back on CrossPolitic, I thought he was just being funny, but now I think he was being a bit prophetic because right after that, I was treated to like a week of it. It was like that proverb about living under a leaking roof with a pestering woman. Only most of these people have male names and avatars. But they don’t appear to have wives or children or jobs or anything else to do with their time since all they do is make repeated accusations and vague demands on Facebook. Of course I mean no insult to those who truly have some form of autism or Asperger’s. It’s just when it comes to handling a creedal or confessional question or deviation, they apparently know exactly what must be done, and it rhymes with what Monty Python says weighs the same as a duck. Their modus operandi is Ready. Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Aim?

And speaking of lynching, this brings up a question some people have raised regarding our CrossPolitic weights and measures. On the one hand, we called out Greg Johnson for the Revoice nonsense, but on the other hand, we didn’t care for that White Boy Summer bunkum. We let Darren Doane call “kinism” incestuous on our show, and we didn’t even stop him. We also let Jason Farley say that radical individualistic Baptist theology has had a major part in our cultural tranny downgrade. And that didn’t really bother us either. And then Gary DeMar comes along and says that he thinks people get their new spiritual bodies when they die and go to heaven, and he’s not sure which texts describe the final coming of Christ in glory and the final judgment, and we said, “hmmm, that’s not good. We need to look into that.” And a bunch of folks said, Quid agis? Which is Latin for: Que pasa?

And some said in grim and dire tones: this is a clear indication that Fight Laugh Feast is the new The Gospel Coalition. Which if we’re being honest is more of an insult to TGC. But I take all the baseless insults, thoughtless slanders, and blathering folly as strong indications of God’s intention to promote and continue blessing CrossPolitic and Fight Laugh Feast. Jesus says to rejoice when people insult you and fling all kinds of poo at you, so that’s what I’m doing. And blessings to all of you, especially those of you who put sad emojis on my posts and comments. Bless you all. And I mean it. 

So here’s my attempt at describing the method to our madness, or at least the meth in my madness or something like that.

The Black Plague & Ideological STDs
On the one hand, Full Preterism is totally bad juju. It’s heresy full stop. As I said in my previous post on this topic: Paul says that people who teach that the resurrection is already past are like a canker and overthrow the faith of some. People who embrace these errors need faithful church discipline. But faithful shepherding isn’t merely a matter of running one-size-fits-all wolf tests on everything that shows up on our radar. Faithful shepherding must understand the state of sheep and which wolves are the greatest threats. And while FP is a threat; I consider it a threat like I consider the Black Plague a threat. I think it’s bad, really bad, and deadly and lethal and virulent, and… I don’t know anyone who’s died of it. There’s like five Hyper Preterists in the world and they all live in a bunker somewhere in Arkansas, I think.

Now Uncle Gary has been making some pretty wheezy coughing noises and he may have contracted the bad juju, but I’m waiting for an official diagnosis, which I won’t be getting from the autistic reformed internet bros. When determining something as serious as heresy and the potential of excommunication, the Bible requires careful deliberation, due process, you know, establishing what they used to call in the olden days, facts, you know with evidence. As firm believers in due process, we are approaching this carefully and deliberately, which you can be assured is not the same thing as dragging our feet. But if I’ve seen anything on Facebook over the last couple of days, it has been a serious lack of careful reading and reasoning skills. In fact, the way people read my Gary DeMar Debacle article and extrapolated all sorts of postmodern conclusions, has only made me more suspicious about their claims about Gary. If you’re reading my article and my comments with that kind of charity and clarity, I don’t trust you to assemble various snippets of evidence and present it honestly and accurately. Here’s a quick assortment of the sorts of questions I’ve received the last couple of days:

Me: Full preterism is a heresy.

Them: Why won’t you say full preterism is a heresy??!!!

Me: I just did.

Them: Say it like you mean it!!!!

Me: Full preterism is a heresy.

Them: So you’re saying that headcoverings are the moral equivalent of full preterism????!!!

Me: No, just that church discipline has to address ‘how’ things are handled as much as ‘what’. And sometimes people are divisive/schismatic over minor things.

Them: Like face masks????!!!!!!!

Me: Yes, like forcing people to wear petri dishes on their face in compliance with statist chicanery. 

Them: But why aren’t you doing anything about Gary DeMar???!!!

Me: I am writing him and there are conversations going on behind the scenes.

Them: But why aren’t you doing anything???!!!

Me: I am doing what I can do to find out what he believes.

Them: But he’s a full-preterist!!!

Me: But he says he’s not a full preterist.

Them: But that’s just what heretics do – they are sophists who play with words!!!!

Me: Yes, they do, which is why we need to carefully evaluate this situation.

Them: But you need to do something now!!!!

Me: No, God has established His church with elders who possess the keys of the kingdom. I’m not Gary DeMar’s elder; he’s not a member of my church. The Lordship of Jesus means respecting that jurisdiction, due process, and then doing my part to tell the truth and be a faithful friend.

Them: Fie!!! Fight Laugh Feast has turned into The Gospel Coalition!!!!!

On the one hand, Gary has plainly insisted in a few places that he is not a hyper preterist, and on the other hand, he’s been saying things like believers get some kind of spiritual body when they die and go to heaven and their material bodies just go into the ground never to rise again, which is false, unbiblical, and leaves part of this material world unredeemed by the blood of Jesus. Which is really bad, not true, and he should stop saying that. 

On the other hand, I do think that Kinism is playing with a species murder – hatred and pride in the heart based on race and ethnicity. And murderers end up in the Lake of Fire. I’m not talking about love of family, love of tradition, love of your home, love of your nation, love of your culture, love of baseball and hotdogs and cold beer – all good and godly things, ordered by God’s Word. If that’s what you’re eager to recover, that’s great, just don’t call yourself a “Kinist” and don’t share White Boy Summer memes like some kind of fathead. To traffic in racialist categories is to take the bait of Critical Race Theory and all its ugly bastard children. You don’t beat Dialectical Materialism with your own materialistic dialectic. You don’t beat feminists by ordaining women to pastoral ministry. You don’t beat fire by pouring gasoline on it.

I want to be clear: denying a settled creedal/confessional doctrine like the Final Coming of Christ in person to raise our physical bodies from their graves and the final judgment is a deadly and lethal disease like the Black Plague, but it’s relatively rare. On the other hand, even if sexual confusion and Kinist confusion and radical individualism are more like STDs, I know a lot more folks dying from those diseases, and it’s reeking a lot more havoc on our land. The doctrinal virus is way worse, but that’s not currently what’s being dished out on CNN and in most evangelical pulpits.

So some of the apparent disparity in treatment has to do with relative threats to our current culture, and some of it has to do with who is doing what. Gary Demar has been a faithful soldier fighting the good fight for many decades. He has been a father and grandfather to many. He may be going wobbly on these issues, and if so, that will be very unfortunate. I pray that he has faithful elders in his church who will pastor him well. As for Fight Laugh Feast, we won’t continue platforming someone who either is a hyper-preterist or who isn’t clear enough about what he believes to distinguish himself from hyper-preterism. But God requires us to honor our fathers in the faith, and sometimes when our fathers stumble into sin or error, they must be admonished and sometimes we walk backwards into the tent to cover their drunken shame. But a bunch of reformed cancel karens do not understand that they are currently channeling the spirit of Ham. I’m not talking about people who pointed out reasonable concerns, asked reasonable questions, and so forth. I’m talking about the people who commented over 50 times a day saying the same thing over and over, thinking that they will be heard because of their many words. Alas, the internet gods are deaf to their cries. And part of me wants to say that every time they make another comment or post on Facebook, I add another day to the time I believe is needed to properly adjudicate this situation. It’s hard to think clearly through all their chanting of “Great is the Authority of the Internets!”

Conclusion
So just to review for the autistic reformed bros: Full Preterism is a heresy. So is Kinism. And White Boy Summer is like a desperate middle school girl in a pushup bra on main street, advertising for what she knows not. And Revoice is still Spanish for “Queering the PCA.” Confessional Baptists are my homeboys all day long, but that radical individualist Baptist culture that tells people that they have to decide who they want to be, and Jesus is desperately panting at the door of their heart begging for a date, singing Jesus is my boyfriend worship songs, and riding waterslides into dunk tanks? Yeah, that’s grooming trannies as much as Drag Queen story hour. And if CrossPolitic is the new TGC, then that makes Gabe Rench the new Tim Keller, which is kind of funny if you think about it.