Men’s Forum February 2022
1. Standing on the Promises
Like everything else in the Christian life, we parent by faith. “Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?” (Gal. 3:2-3 ESV). We need the Spirit to raise our children faithfully, and this text tells us that we receive the Spirit by the hearing of faith. What are we to hear and believe? The promises of God regarding our children. And we should note that these are all promises for children in the New Covenant:
“And as for me, this is my covenant with them,” says the LORD: “My Spirit that is upon you, and my words that I have put in your mouth, shall not depart out of your mouth, or out of the mouth of your offspring, or out of the mouth of your children’s offspring,” says the LORD, “from this time forth and forevermore” (Is. 59:21 ESV). “And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear me forever, for their own good and the good of their children after them. I will make with them an everlasting covenant, that I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me” (Jer. 32:38-40, cf. Ez. 37:24-25).
“And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.” (Acts 2:38-39).
There’s a stark difference between parents who believe these promises and then seek to obey what God says to do, and those parents who doubt, are unsure or are unaware of the promises. Faith in the promises is marked by joy, peace, patience, confidence, courage, and so on.
2. Requiring Obedience & Biblical Justice
The central command given to parents is to teach our children to love and obey God. “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes” (Dt. 6:5-8). “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4).
Obedience is to be right away, all the way, and cheerfully, since that is how we must obey God. Slow obedience is not obedience, incomplete obedience is not obedience, and fussing/whining/complaining obedience is not obedience.
The problem of course is that “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him” (Prov. 22:15). “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6). This means that we want to begin teaching obedience as early as possible since however you train him when he is young, that is the way he will go and he will not depart from it (for good or ill). Practice makes permanent.
The Bible teaches that the rod of correction is love, and failure to love in this way is a form of hatred: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Prov. 13:24, cf. Heb. 12:6-11). There is a particular connection between a child’s backside and his soul: “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol” (Prov. 23:13-14). Spanking is a pretty regular occurrence for most kids in the toddler years.
When you discipline practice informal biblical justice: explain the biblical charges, cite 2-3 witnesses, explain the penalty (how many?), require calm submission to the penalty (no fits), then quickly hug and comfort your child, pray together and ask God’s forgiveness, assure them of forgiveness, and make any other necessary apologies or restitution. The point of the discipline is to get back into joyful obedience and fellowship. If the spanking does not result in the “peaceable fruit of righteousness” you need to repeat the process until you succeed.
3. Practice Joyful Obedience & Fellowship
Good parents are like good coaches. There should be lots of teaching, explaining, and practicing before the game, before “it counts.” Play obedience games. Be full of praise, encouragement, compliments, prizes, high fives, and aim to make obedience joyful and fun (because it is). Try to do your best to prepare your children for the challenges they will face. What will their temptations be at the store? When you have guests over? Sharing toys with friends? Eating dinner? School? Talk about it. Practice. Rehearse. Set them up to succeed, and if you know that they know and they refuse, then you must discipline them.
Cultivate a culture of fellowship and joy in your home where everyone is cheering for one another to succeed, not a gestapo culture where everyone is watching for infractions. While you must require obedience, you do not need to make everything an obedience test. Love covers a multitude of sins. Accidents happen. Laugh a lot. Give opportunities for “do-overs” for “Mr./Ms. Grumpypants.” This is particularly important so that there is joyful fellowship to be restored to after discipline. If everything is tense, then spanking will have less and less potency.
4. Loving the Standard vs. Conforming to the Standard
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6). The goal is to have our children love the standard not merely conform to the standard. This means that the basic structure of parenting is that children should live in a joyful, benevolent totalitarian dictatorship until mid-to-late elementary school. They should be told what to wear, when to go to bed, and what they love and value.
Sometime in mid-elementary, they may begin having their own opinions and some measure of freedom to begin using their judgment, while still giving lots of teaching and correction and spankings should be increasingly rare. The goal should be to “let go” sometime in high school, giving them a year or two to make their own choices like adults while there is still a safety net before they move out of the house. If there are obvious problems in high school, work to rebuild trust; don’t clamp down.
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