“Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:31).
When the Bible gives husbands and wives instructions, it consistently returns to this theme: husbands love, wives respect. But it is sometimes tempting to think we know better than God, and we can hear these Bible words and then think something like: “yes, husbands and wives should be nice.” But that isn’t what it says. It gives particular instructions to husbands and it gives a different instruction to the wives. And even then, if you don’t stop and think about what the different instructions are, you can still redefine the assignment. I could give you a pop quiz and say, what are husbands commanded to do? And most of you could get it right and say, “love their wives.” But what if I followed that up with another question: what does that mean? How many of you would say, “be nice”? And of course the same thing can go for the women. You might know and give the right answer that the Bible commands wives to respect their husbands, but then if I asked you what that means, you might not know.
So the specific instruction is for husbands to love their wives, and for wives to respect their husbands. We do not mind acknowledging that of course husbands should respect their wives, and wives should love their husbands. But we also believe that when God gives specific instructions there are good reasons for obeying them. At least two of those reasons are that men and women tend to need different things, and therefore, we tend to instinctively give different things. Women tend to be more oriented to love: love is what they need and so love is what they tend to instinctively give. But here the instruction is to respect your husband. Likewise, men tend to be more oriented to respect: respect is what they need and so respect is what they tend to instinctively give. But here the instruction to a husband is to love your wife. So what does it mean to love and what does it mean to respect?
Love initiates, draws near, sympathizes with challenges and difficulty, takes trouble for care and provision, and shows thoughtfulness in little things. Our model for this kind of love is Christ, who loved the Church and gave Himself for her. How did He love His bride? He initiated salvation, drew near in the incarnation, sympathizing with us in our weakness, without any sin, and took responsibility for our trouble, taking our sin upon Himself, dying to set us free, and He rules and reigns for us now, listening to us and answering our prayers and blessing us in so many little things day by day. A husband is to imitate that kind of efficacious love. This means drawing near, dwelling with your wife in an understanding way, sympathizing with her challenges, taking trouble to care for her needs, listening to her, and regularly showing your care and affection in word and deed.
Respect looks up to, thinks highly of, seeks advice and counsel, and listens to that advice and counsel, gives thanks and praise for accomplishments, and seeks to cheerfully honor preferences. The Christian Church is the model for this kind of respect. The Church seeks to be obedient to Christ in everything, praising Him, thanking Him, seeking advice and counsel, and studying His Word for wisdom, and arranging our lives to please Him. So a wife is to imitate that kind of submissive respect. This means looking up to your husband, thinking highly of him, seeking his counsel and wisdom, and listening to that counsel and wisdom, thanking him and praising him for his hard work and accomplishments, while doing whatever you know to do to please him.
In both of these instructions, a husband is called to die to himself in obedience to Christ, and a wife is called to die to herself in obedience to Christ. When there is any challenge or trouble, a husband is often tempted to really lean into the respect, and a wife is often tempted to really lean into the love because we tend to give what we want. We tend to give what we think we need. But the Bible says that we need different things, and this is why a man can be perfectly respectful and nothing seems to be improving or a woman can pour on the love, and it doesn’t seem to work. This is because sometimes you are redefining the instructions. You know the word is respect, but what you’re doing is loving. Or you know that you’re supposed to love, but what you’re doing is respecting.
At the same time, a good marriage is one where you are both striving to know one another, and this includes knowing this about one another. A good marriage is built on a good sense of humor. God created us male and female, and He thought that would be a load of fun. So we should too. Many marriage bumps are simply male and female ways of thinking and acting bumping into one another, and when that happens, we should smile and enjoy the moment. Isn’t it great that she’s a woman? Isn’t it great he’s a man? When you can’t do that, and you resent the differences, in a strange way, you’re sort of wishing your wife was a man or your husband was a woman. Which is apparently what some people have decided to actually do, but quite apart from the immorality of it all, what an utterly boring thing, to be married to someone who thinks just like you.
But being made a man or a woman in God’s image is glorious. And that means that the distinctive instructions are part of that glory in marriage. When a man, full of testosterone and masculinity, loves a woman, in obedience to God it is glorious. And when a woman, full of grace and wisdom, respects her man, in obedience to God, is altogether lovely.
So this is the charge, Sami, love your wife like Christ loved the church. And in particular, study what love is in the Bible. Love is not what Hallmark says or Hollywood says or even what Ali says. Love is obedience to God for Ali’s good. Study God’s Word and study Ali, and so love your wife. The more you love her, the more lovely she will be, just as Christ’s love makes His bride more and more glorious.
Ali, my charge to you is to respect your husband just as the Church honors and submits to Christ in everything. And in particular, study what respect is in the Bible. Respect may not be what first comes into your mind or what the world says it is or even exactly what Sami thinks it is. Respect must be defined by God’s Word and applied to your husband in particular. And the more you respect your husband, the more respectable he will become.
In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.
Photo by Jeremy Wong Weddings on Unsplash
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