Introduction
Sometimes in the grind of life, otherwise happy marriages can get into ruts of arguments, spats, bumps, and if one or the other spouse loses their temper, has an angry outburst or two, and the hurt feelings, mistrust, and pain begin to build, this can create vicious cycles. You apologize, you try to forgive, but three days later, something comes up and the argument starts up again, sharp words are exchanged, and you find yourself back in that rut again.
Fear can begin to build: what does this mean? Will it always be like this? Maybe you begin to think things like: I can’t keep doing this. I can’t take this anymore. Maybe it begins effecting your health, maybe you’re starting to feel depressed, anxious, losing sleep, and then you start noticing the kids acting out. And the thought begins to occur to you that maybe this isn’t going to work. Maybe it would be better to be apart. Maybe things even get so bad that one of you sleeps in another room. Or maybe you’re sent to a hotel for the night.
Now, I’m going to address this kind of situation assuming a few things, but I want to state those assumptions at the outset. I’m going to assume that neither spouse is in ongoing serious sin: no ongoing, unconfessed porn habit, not secret adulterous relationships (emotional, physical, virtual), and no ongoing substance abuse issues (drugs, pain meds, or alcohol) or any other skeletons in the closet like that. What I mean is that I’m assuming that the marriage is otherwise OK, but you’ve hit a strange rough patch, a bumpy rut that you can’t seem to get out of.
Well-Differentiated Individuals
It is of course true that in the marriage covenant, two individuals become one flesh, but when that one flesh union is experiencing conflict and repeated disagreements and trouble, it is not anti-covenantal to examine the parts. The head and body really are connected, and what God has joined together let no man put asunder. But this doesn’t mean that you cease to exist as individuals.
Another way to make this point is to say that in marriage, we are co-heirs of the grace of life (1 Pet. 3:7), but we are not co-dependents. Sometimes, what has happened, when a couple cannot seem to break out of this rut of arguments and friction, is the only thing they can see is them. When things get gnarly, sometimes the only thing you can see is how gnarly things have gotten. All you think about, all you talk about is the problem. And this very quickly turns into the blame game. Everyone, even when they are trying to be good, tends to give themselves the most grace and understanding, and we are most judgmental and critical of others. We explain why we snapped or felt snubbed or offended (tired, hungry, really hurt, PMS), but cannot understand why he/she said or did what they did. It just seems purely malicious and awful.
But as Edwin Friedman has pointed out, healthy families and organizations function best when all the members are “well-differentiated individuals.” This is just another way of describing what theologians call finding your identity in Christ. Your identity, your meaning, your happiness, your joy and peace are not found in your circumstances, your bank account, your health, or even how your spouse is doing. To find your identity in Christ is to know that you have been crucified with Christ: you no longer live, but Christ lives in you (Gal. 2:20). It is to know that no matter what, even if everything was taken away from you, you would still be safe and secure in the love of Christ, who died and gave Himself for you. Nothing can separate you from the love of Christ: not job loss, not cancer, not raging hormones, not a bad economy, not an angry spouse (Rom. 8).
The point here isn’t that there is nothing to be done; the point is perspective — an obedient perspective. Yes, you have work to do; there is obedience to be done. You have duties before God. But your duties come as a result of following Christ. Your duties flow from your identity in Christ. Your job is take up your cross and follow Christ, even if no one else in the whole world is. This is what it means to be a well-differentiated individual or we might say a, well-differentiated Christian. It means you know who you are in Christ, and you are completely satisfied in Him. He is your mission, your vision, your purpose, your meaning, your peace. Even if your family forsakes you, He will never leave you or forsake you (Ps. 27:10).
This is why I like to remind couples in premarital counseling that they will only love one another rightly, if they love one another second best. But you can drift into co-dependency, where you begin finding your meaning and peace and happiness in how you think your spouse is doing today, this week, this year, or what they think of you. But there is a sense in which Jesus says to you, “Who cares? You follow me.”
Christ Our Unity
The thing is, our unity is in Christ. This means that the only way to get closer, to have better fellowship with your spouse is to get closer to Christ. But to the extent that you are trying to have fellowship with your spouse, without intentionally pursuing Christ, you are actually making things worse. It’s like pressing the wrong ends of a magnet together. You can’t make it go together. But Christ is our peace. Christ is our fellowship. Christ is our unity.
So of course Christ cares about your marriage and how your spouse is doing, but you can’t help by trying to force this together. But you can help by pursuing Christ. You actually are drawing closer to your spouse, when you draw closer to Christ. When you love Christ more, when you find more satisfaction, more peace and joy in following Christ, doing your duties in glad service of Christ, you are actually helping and drawing closer to your spouse (whether or not they respond well, whether or not they even notice). And don’t try to follow Christ half-heartedly, while keeping a sidelong glance on your spouse to see if they are noticing you following Christ. Ha. That isn’t following Christ. That’s trying to use Christ. But Christ will not be used. He is not your prop. He is not your weapon. He is Your Lord and Savior.
There is a sense in which you must follow Christ heedless of anyone or anything. You must take up your cross. That means you must lose your live for His sake. You must trust Him entirely. If you try to save your life, save your marriage, save your image, you will lose it all. But if you lose it all to follow Christ, He will give it all back with interest (Mt. 19:29).
Conclusion
So, if your marriage is acting like our computers sometimes do, glitching, freezing up, and crashing, maybe you need a simple reboot. And by reboot, I mean, maybe you need to go back to the beginning, to the foundation of who you are and what gives you meaning and purpose and joy. If it is anything other than Christ Himself, you will be continually disappointed. The Bible calls any created thing that we place our hope in instead of God an idol. Nothing in this world is sufficient for the longing of your soul. Idols disappoint; idols destroy. And yes, that includes the idol of your ideal family, your ideal marriage, your ideal husband or wife or kids. Those “ideals” can be “graven images” just as much as a statue. But that hunger, that ache, that longing that you feel for peace, for joy, for fulfillment, for satisfaction – that longing is for God Himself. Nothing in this world can fill that. As Augustine said, “our hearts are restless until they find their rest in Thee.”
When you remember who you are in Christ, one of the first things you see is His grace and mercy for all your sin. When you really see Christ, you begin to see what a mess you are, and how gracious He is. And this in turn gives you a lot more grace and mercy and patience for your spouse (and others around you). C.S. Lewis says somewhere that we think it’s a great challenge to put up with other people, but God is the only One who has to put up with all of us. It is so easy to become very myopic, and all we can see are the faults of our husband or wife or kids or neighbors. But there’s something almost always incredibly distorted about that picture. How much have you been forgiven? How difficult a person are you? How hard are you to please? How critical or impatient are you? And I’m not even talking about what your spouse has to put up with. I’m talking about what your Savior graciously puts up with all day long. He knows your every thought, and He still loves you.
How much have you been forgiven? You can’t count that high. Don’t be that unforgiving servant, forgiven millions, who then went out and demanded his fellow servant repay those thousands. “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:32). The standard is God’s kindness to you in Christ. The standard is tenderhearted.
So maybe take some time and write out your testimony. Remember how God saved you, whether when you were very young and you don’t exactly remember when, but you can see God’s hand drawing you closer and closer through the ministry of parents, pastors, teachers, churches, schools, or whether you remember the exact moment when the gospel hit you between the eyes like a two-by-four and you’ve never been the same.
Remember the Cross, remember Calvary, remember the empty tomb, remember the glory of Heaven. The challenges we face in this life will be light, momentary afflictions compared to the glory stored up for us in Christ.
Photo by Sylvain Mauroux on Unsplash
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